So far it feels all I've posted about are my realizations and revelations about how wonderful recovery is. Well, here I am to put things in perspective and say recovery can be a damn bitch at times too. It's not all unicorns and rainbows I'm afraid.
What brought this up was the troubles I've been having this past week. One day I restricted because I was depressed and nothing seemed worth it anymore. Another day I had a 'reactive eating' episode and could hardly deal with the guilt of eating enough for my body for once. Both times were lows and even though I've since gotten over most of it, I'm beginning to see how difficult this journey I've undertaken actually is. Sure full recovery looks wonderful and is definitely worth striving for, but the bumps along the way can be excruciatingly painful.
I guess what I'm getting at is I've had my share of good days and bad days and days where I wish I could stay in bed and curl up in a ball and never face the world again. However, that's just the way things are and life is not easy whether you're fighting ED or not. It's a battlefield out there to quote some cheesy song lyric and I'm here to say that truer words have never been said or sung.
Except we have to keep on trucking... right? Or else we'll never be happy and I really believe that having even one happy day would be worth all the bad days. Because I haven't been truly happy in a while... and I think I deserve to feel it one day... to feel something at all actually sounds pretty brilliant right about now. People were not meant to be numb all day long or else we'd be robots. And I don't much care to be a robot.
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