... And a Step into Gum

As long as it's not a step back, I am feeling pretty okay. I'm talking about my panic over two recent meals where I had absolutely no way of calculating calories and that have driven me crazy. One was a Korean dish of cold noodles served with veggies, half a hard-boiled egg (why only half? Do they have a container in the back full of hard-boiled egg halves? Do they do it to save money and half my egg will end up on someone else's plate?) in a spicy, sesame-oil sauce. Sure it tasted awesome and I would surely have it again but I couldn't help but panic afterwards at the thought of the calories I'd just ingested. Then there was the lunch I had today, a seven-grain salad essentially drenched in a curry vinaigrette that, again, was awesome and will become a staple for me should I ever need to buy lunch from the college cafeteria again but still, the panic was there.

Now that I think about it again however, I realize how stupid I am (or ED is) for being so concerned about numbers rather than appreciating the good meals I had had and feeling good about discovering new foods that I like and that I would love to have again. Who the fuck cares how many calories were in them? I shouldn't that's for sure, especially if the numbers are just going to take up valuable brain-space which I could be reserving for some more vital information, like the sculpture I have yet to complete for class Monday.

Sure I haven't been counting my calories for a week now and I have absolutely no idea how many I've had today, but the numbers are still running through my mind and the constant worry that they're too high. I know there is no 'too high' in recovery though and I didn't actually manage to gain weight this week even though I did try to add calories here and there in the form of higher calorie bread, more peanut butter, adding an extra spoonful of sesame seeds to my salad, and on and on. Frankly, I'm starting to think intuitive eating coupled with buying more calorie-dense foods and having liquid calories may not be enough... but we'll see.

For next time though, I need to remind myself that food is more than a number and a list of nutritional information on the back of the package, it is energy and sustenance that is essential for ... well... living.
It doesn't hurt if it's goddamn tasty food either.