Two Steps Forward...

Alright, last night I had a nice chat with my friend/nutritionist over dinner and I had my eyes opened to some insights that I should've realized a long time ago. For one thing, I should listen to my body which should be a no-brainer but I guess sometimes things aren't as simple as that especially with ED trying its damn hardest to make sure you listen to IT. Except it makes absolute sense because no one knows me better than... well me and my body probably knows myself even better than that. What I'm getting at is, rather than try to force food into my stomach and feeling sick in recovery, it should be more about quality than quantity. So what if I don't manage to finish the meal, I might feel better later and eat more then right? It's not like that meal has to be the end all and be all of the day, that lunch has to be 'complete' in order for me to have made my calories. I know I need to gain weight but trying to force myself into eating more when I'm absolutely not able to is just asking for me to hate eating and make me even less likely to want to eat more later on. I hope I'm not just running in circles here... what I'm trying to say is that not finishing that whole portion of rice because I'm unable to digest it does not make me a failure as a gainer, it just means my body needs time to adjust to food again and that maybe it's just not ready for that amount at that time. If I really listen to my body, I mean really listen, then I'll be hungry later and can make up the calories then.
Of course there might be times when ED will interfere with my thought processes and WANT me to think I'm full when I'm actually not but I've got to be reasonable with myself and think "Am I really satisfied? Would I actually enjoy having more food because it tastes so good and I'm not full yet?". Also, this means I'm no longer going to measure my portions except for when I'm following a recipe. Hopefully, this will get me out of the thinking that I have to have the exact serving size on the package and nothing more or less than that. It just spirals me back into the habit of calorie-counting which I don't want to do anymore.
1. It's fucking tiring! I've always hated math and adding and estimating all those numbers is about as enjoyable as doing one of those elementary school math problems... "If Jo ate one medium apple with 1 tbsp peanut butter and the apple has X number of calories and the peanut butter has..." exactly, right? Fucking annoying.
2. What if I want more than a cup of cereal? Shouldn't I be allowed to have more if I want it? If I measure it out, the ED automatically makes it "unacceptable" to have seconds because then I'll gain weight. Well fuck that because gaining is what I'm trying to do at the moment and normal people don't measure out their cereal, they eat as much as they want until they're full and that is all.
This revelation poses another issue however. If I am to follow through with listening to my body, I'm going to have to start buying more calorie-dense foods and products (ie. no more 'low-fat' or 'sugar-free') so that even if I don't manage to finish the meal, I'll have consumed more calories than I would have on foods that weren't as calorie-high. Also, I've decided to supplement my diet with Ensure should I feel that by the end of the day I haven't had enough. It's like I'm building a safety-net of sorts I suppose...

Another step I've taken is getting rid of all the Coke Zero in my fridge which was, if you knew me, extremely difficult. I'm practically addicted to artificial sweeteners and I always had one can of Coke Zero a day. Plus, I would buy diet sodas and Frescas like mad at college which really is counter-productive to the gaining process. Now, if I want something to drink I'll have water. If I want something to drink that has flavor or some sort of taste, I'm going to have juice or soymilk or tea. My stomach will thank me, that's for sure.

Finally, my nutritionist has asked me to keep a log of what I eat and my feelings after having eaten it. That way, I can go back through my day and see if it was sufficient in terms of nutrients and also to see what foods I enjoy, which foods make me feel good and which bad and it'll just give me an idea of what I might be missing or having too much of.

It's been a busy night and morning in my brain for sure but I believe I'm heading in the right direction... right, time to do some drawing. Happy Thursday!

Hungry Like the Wolf

If only...

So this is my first post after procrastinating for so long. I'm new to blogging so excuse any rambling or any going off-topic that may come up in my posts. They're going to be sporadic (my entries that is) to say the least but I'm aiming for at least a few posts a week since I am planning to use this space to document my thoughts and my journey to recovery from an eating disorder. I know there are plenty of these things out there so I'm not going to claim mine will be any different or awesome in any way. I read as many supportive blogs as possible myself as it helps to feel less alone in the struggle and I guess I hope someone, anyone reading this might also find it a place they can go to to not feel like they're battling by themselves because ED thrives on that, solitude and loneliness.
In my first action towards recovery, I am no longer putting myself under the label or category of "vegan" because I realized that I was merely using it as an excuse to not eat out with others because of the scarcity of vegan-friendly restaurants in my area and in Canada in general. I am now back to lacto-ovo vegetarian and it's been difficult but I've cried my face off about it and I've thought it over and I know this was the right thing to do, plus I've got plenty of support from friends and my sister (my parents are another story since they never really understood my veganism in the first place...) so I'm in a good mindset.
One thing I noticed about many ED recovery blogs is there are often many pictures of meals and stuff like that. I'm hoping to post some of my meals as well as recipes just as a way to make food fun again and to really appreciate the nutrients its giving me therefore, hopefully, shifting the focus away from weight and having to gain and more to the fact that I'm getting my life back together. Because who doesn't enjoy food... I mean honestly?
Now if only my digestive system wasn't so retarded... but I guess I'll take things slowly. I've already increased from the pathetic amount I was on since my ... fourth(?) relapse so I'm feeling pretty good about myself for that. Here's hoping this continues and I'll be up to the amount I need to gain by the end of this weekend...

Yeah I'm feeling pretty good at the moment :B