Is there even such a thing? Right now, my problems feel like anything but 'mini'. I think I really am a sponge when it comes to absorbing the issues of others because they seem to have an unusually large effect on me.
Yes I have realized that I'm relapsing back into my old ways (counting calories, measuring food, restricting in general, etc.) but I guess that realization is already a step forward right? At least now I am able to recognize when things aren't going well and it's having an effect on my eating. Why do I do this to myself? I guess because it's easy. Life is easier when the only thing that matters is food and how much I shouldn't allow myself to eat. I also realize that this is wrong and a terrible way of dealing with my problems.
I wish I could say art was what I turned to in terms of expressing my anxiety, my worries but it isn't. At least not anymore.
Hunger has become my new safety blanket. Or it has been for the last 4 years. Yes that is a long time to be so self-destructive. My body probably hates me for it now...
I guess I just have to keep reminding myself to take each day at a time though and that one or two bad days (horrible, mind-fucking days) are only that and tomorrow can be a new start, a new beginning as long as I survive through it. I'm still alive now aren't I? Which means today doesn't have to be bad. It can be good so long as I try my best to make it so.
I am going to try and keep trying. Today should be better. It WILL be better. I'll make sure of that.
Wednesday 30 November 2011
Friday 18 November 2011
Still Digesting...
So far it feels all I've posted about are my realizations and revelations about how wonderful recovery is. Well, here I am to put things in perspective and say recovery can be a damn bitch at times too. It's not all unicorns and rainbows I'm afraid.
What brought this up was the troubles I've been having this past week. One day I restricted because I was depressed and nothing seemed worth it anymore. Another day I had a 'reactive eating' episode and could hardly deal with the guilt of eating enough for my body for once. Both times were lows and even though I've since gotten over most of it, I'm beginning to see how difficult this journey I've undertaken actually is. Sure full recovery looks wonderful and is definitely worth striving for, but the bumps along the way can be excruciatingly painful.
I guess what I'm getting at is I've had my share of good days and bad days and days where I wish I could stay in bed and curl up in a ball and never face the world again. However, that's just the way things are and life is not easy whether you're fighting ED or not. It's a battlefield out there to quote some cheesy song lyric and I'm here to say that truer words have never been said or sung.
Except we have to keep on trucking... right? Or else we'll never be happy and I really believe that having even one happy day would be worth all the bad days. Because I haven't been truly happy in a while... and I think I deserve to feel it one day... to feel something at all actually sounds pretty brilliant right about now. People were not meant to be numb all day long or else we'd be robots. And I don't much care to be a robot.
What brought this up was the troubles I've been having this past week. One day I restricted because I was depressed and nothing seemed worth it anymore. Another day I had a 'reactive eating' episode and could hardly deal with the guilt of eating enough for my body for once. Both times were lows and even though I've since gotten over most of it, I'm beginning to see how difficult this journey I've undertaken actually is. Sure full recovery looks wonderful and is definitely worth striving for, but the bumps along the way can be excruciatingly painful.
I guess what I'm getting at is I've had my share of good days and bad days and days where I wish I could stay in bed and curl up in a ball and never face the world again. However, that's just the way things are and life is not easy whether you're fighting ED or not. It's a battlefield out there to quote some cheesy song lyric and I'm here to say that truer words have never been said or sung.
Except we have to keep on trucking... right? Or else we'll never be happy and I really believe that having even one happy day would be worth all the bad days. Because I haven't been truly happy in a while... and I think I deserve to feel it one day... to feel something at all actually sounds pretty brilliant right about now. People were not meant to be numb all day long or else we'd be robots. And I don't much care to be a robot.
Thursday 3 November 2011
... And a Step into Gum
As long as it's not a step back, I am feeling pretty okay. I'm talking about my panic over two recent meals where I had absolutely no way of calculating calories and that have driven me crazy. One was a Korean dish of cold noodles served with veggies, half a hard-boiled egg (why only half? Do they have a container in the back full of hard-boiled egg halves? Do they do it to save money and half my egg will end up on someone else's plate?) in a spicy, sesame-oil sauce. Sure it tasted awesome and I would surely have it again but I couldn't help but panic afterwards at the thought of the calories I'd just ingested. Then there was the lunch I had today, a seven-grain salad essentially drenched in a curry vinaigrette that, again, was awesome and will become a staple for me should I ever need to buy lunch from the college cafeteria again but still, the panic was there.
Now that I think about it again however, I realize how stupid I am (or ED is) for being so concerned about numbers rather than appreciating the good meals I had had and feeling good about discovering new foods that I like and that I would love to have again. Who the fuck cares how many calories were in them? I shouldn't that's for sure, especially if the numbers are just going to take up valuable brain-space which I could be reserving for some more vital information, like the sculpture I have yet to complete for class Monday.
Sure I haven't been counting my calories for a week now and I have absolutely no idea how many I've had today, but the numbers are still running through my mind and the constant worry that they're too high. I know there is no 'too high' in recovery though and I didn't actually manage to gain weight this week even though I did try to add calories here and there in the form of higher calorie bread, more peanut butter, adding an extra spoonful of sesame seeds to my salad, and on and on. Frankly, I'm starting to think intuitive eating coupled with buying more calorie-dense foods and having liquid calories may not be enough... but we'll see.
For next time though, I need to remind myself that food is more than a number and a list of nutritional information on the back of the package, it is energy and sustenance that is essential for ... well... living.
It doesn't hurt if it's goddamn tasty food either.
Now that I think about it again however, I realize how stupid I am (or ED is) for being so concerned about numbers rather than appreciating the good meals I had had and feeling good about discovering new foods that I like and that I would love to have again. Who the fuck cares how many calories were in them? I shouldn't that's for sure, especially if the numbers are just going to take up valuable brain-space which I could be reserving for some more vital information, like the sculpture I have yet to complete for class Monday.
Sure I haven't been counting my calories for a week now and I have absolutely no idea how many I've had today, but the numbers are still running through my mind and the constant worry that they're too high. I know there is no 'too high' in recovery though and I didn't actually manage to gain weight this week even though I did try to add calories here and there in the form of higher calorie bread, more peanut butter, adding an extra spoonful of sesame seeds to my salad, and on and on. Frankly, I'm starting to think intuitive eating coupled with buying more calorie-dense foods and having liquid calories may not be enough... but we'll see.
For next time though, I need to remind myself that food is more than a number and a list of nutritional information on the back of the package, it is energy and sustenance that is essential for ... well... living.
It doesn't hurt if it's goddamn tasty food either.
Thursday 27 October 2011
Two Steps Forward...
Alright, last night I had a nice chat with my friend/nutritionist over dinner and I had my eyes opened to some insights that I should've realized a long time ago. For one thing, I should listen to my body which should be a no-brainer but I guess sometimes things aren't as simple as that especially with ED trying its damn hardest to make sure you listen to IT. Except it makes absolute sense because no one knows me better than... well me and my body probably knows myself even better than that. What I'm getting at is, rather than try to force food into my stomach and feeling sick in recovery, it should be more about quality than quantity. So what if I don't manage to finish the meal, I might feel better later and eat more then right? It's not like that meal has to be the end all and be all of the day, that lunch has to be 'complete' in order for me to have made my calories. I know I need to gain weight but trying to force myself into eating more when I'm absolutely not able to is just asking for me to hate eating and make me even less likely to want to eat more later on. I hope I'm not just running in circles here... what I'm trying to say is that not finishing that whole portion of rice because I'm unable to digest it does not make me a failure as a gainer, it just means my body needs time to adjust to food again and that maybe it's just not ready for that amount at that time. If I really listen to my body, I mean really listen, then I'll be hungry later and can make up the calories then.
Of course there might be times when ED will interfere with my thought processes and WANT me to think I'm full when I'm actually not but I've got to be reasonable with myself and think "Am I really satisfied? Would I actually enjoy having more food because it tastes so good and I'm not full yet?". Also, this means I'm no longer going to measure my portions except for when I'm following a recipe. Hopefully, this will get me out of the thinking that I have to have the exact serving size on the package and nothing more or less than that. It just spirals me back into the habit of calorie-counting which I don't want to do anymore.
1. It's fucking tiring! I've always hated math and adding and estimating all those numbers is about as enjoyable as doing one of those elementary school math problems... "If Jo ate one medium apple with 1 tbsp peanut butter and the apple has X number of calories and the peanut butter has..." exactly, right? Fucking annoying.
2. What if I want more than a cup of cereal? Shouldn't I be allowed to have more if I want it? If I measure it out, the ED automatically makes it "unacceptable" to have seconds because then I'll gain weight. Well fuck that because gaining is what I'm trying to do at the moment and normal people don't measure out their cereal, they eat as much as they want until they're full and that is all.
This revelation poses another issue however. If I am to follow through with listening to my body, I'm going to have to start buying more calorie-dense foods and products (ie. no more 'low-fat' or 'sugar-free') so that even if I don't manage to finish the meal, I'll have consumed more calories than I would have on foods that weren't as calorie-high. Also, I've decided to supplement my diet with Ensure should I feel that by the end of the day I haven't had enough. It's like I'm building a safety-net of sorts I suppose...
Another step I've taken is getting rid of all the Coke Zero in my fridge which was, if you knew me, extremely difficult. I'm practically addicted to artificial sweeteners and I always had one can of Coke Zero a day. Plus, I would buy diet sodas and Frescas like mad at college which really is counter-productive to the gaining process. Now, if I want something to drink I'll have water. If I want something to drink that has flavor or some sort of taste, I'm going to have juice or soymilk or tea. My stomach will thank me, that's for sure.
Finally, my nutritionist has asked me to keep a log of what I eat and my feelings after having eaten it. That way, I can go back through my day and see if it was sufficient in terms of nutrients and also to see what foods I enjoy, which foods make me feel good and which bad and it'll just give me an idea of what I might be missing or having too much of.
It's been a busy night and morning in my brain for sure but I believe I'm heading in the right direction... right, time to do some drawing. Happy Thursday!
Of course there might be times when ED will interfere with my thought processes and WANT me to think I'm full when I'm actually not but I've got to be reasonable with myself and think "Am I really satisfied? Would I actually enjoy having more food because it tastes so good and I'm not full yet?". Also, this means I'm no longer going to measure my portions except for when I'm following a recipe. Hopefully, this will get me out of the thinking that I have to have the exact serving size on the package and nothing more or less than that. It just spirals me back into the habit of calorie-counting which I don't want to do anymore.
1. It's fucking tiring! I've always hated math and adding and estimating all those numbers is about as enjoyable as doing one of those elementary school math problems... "If Jo ate one medium apple with 1 tbsp peanut butter and the apple has X number of calories and the peanut butter has..." exactly, right? Fucking annoying.
2. What if I want more than a cup of cereal? Shouldn't I be allowed to have more if I want it? If I measure it out, the ED automatically makes it "unacceptable" to have seconds because then I'll gain weight. Well fuck that because gaining is what I'm trying to do at the moment and normal people don't measure out their cereal, they eat as much as they want until they're full and that is all.
This revelation poses another issue however. If I am to follow through with listening to my body, I'm going to have to start buying more calorie-dense foods and products (ie. no more 'low-fat' or 'sugar-free') so that even if I don't manage to finish the meal, I'll have consumed more calories than I would have on foods that weren't as calorie-high. Also, I've decided to supplement my diet with Ensure should I feel that by the end of the day I haven't had enough. It's like I'm building a safety-net of sorts I suppose...
Another step I've taken is getting rid of all the Coke Zero in my fridge which was, if you knew me, extremely difficult. I'm practically addicted to artificial sweeteners and I always had one can of Coke Zero a day. Plus, I would buy diet sodas and Frescas like mad at college which really is counter-productive to the gaining process. Now, if I want something to drink I'll have water. If I want something to drink that has flavor or some sort of taste, I'm going to have juice or soymilk or tea. My stomach will thank me, that's for sure.
Finally, my nutritionist has asked me to keep a log of what I eat and my feelings after having eaten it. That way, I can go back through my day and see if it was sufficient in terms of nutrients and also to see what foods I enjoy, which foods make me feel good and which bad and it'll just give me an idea of what I might be missing or having too much of.
It's been a busy night and morning in my brain for sure but I believe I'm heading in the right direction... right, time to do some drawing. Happy Thursday!
Wednesday 26 October 2011
Hungry Like the Wolf
If only...
So this is my first post after procrastinating for so long. I'm new to blogging so excuse any rambling or any going off-topic that may come up in my posts. They're going to be sporadic (my entries that is) to say the least but I'm aiming for at least a few posts a week since I am planning to use this space to document my thoughts and my journey to recovery from an eating disorder. I know there are plenty of these things out there so I'm not going to claim mine will be any different or awesome in any way. I read as many supportive blogs as possible myself as it helps to feel less alone in the struggle and I guess I hope someone, anyone reading this might also find it a place they can go to to not feel like they're battling by themselves because ED thrives on that, solitude and loneliness.
In my first action towards recovery, I am no longer putting myself under the label or category of "vegan" because I realized that I was merely using it as an excuse to not eat out with others because of the scarcity of vegan-friendly restaurants in my area and in Canada in general. I am now back to lacto-ovo vegetarian and it's been difficult but I've cried my face off about it and I've thought it over and I know this was the right thing to do, plus I've got plenty of support from friends and my sister (my parents are another story since they never really understood my veganism in the first place...) so I'm in a good mindset.
One thing I noticed about many ED recovery blogs is there are often many pictures of meals and stuff like that. I'm hoping to post some of my meals as well as recipes just as a way to make food fun again and to really appreciate the nutrients its giving me therefore, hopefully, shifting the focus away from weight and having to gain and more to the fact that I'm getting my life back together. Because who doesn't enjoy food... I mean honestly?
Now if only my digestive system wasn't so retarded... but I guess I'll take things slowly. I've already increased from the pathetic amount I was on since my ... fourth(?) relapse so I'm feeling pretty good about myself for that. Here's hoping this continues and I'll be up to the amount I need to gain by the end of this weekend...
Yeah I'm feeling pretty good at the moment :B
So this is my first post after procrastinating for so long. I'm new to blogging so excuse any rambling or any going off-topic that may come up in my posts. They're going to be sporadic (my entries that is) to say the least but I'm aiming for at least a few posts a week since I am planning to use this space to document my thoughts and my journey to recovery from an eating disorder. I know there are plenty of these things out there so I'm not going to claim mine will be any different or awesome in any way. I read as many supportive blogs as possible myself as it helps to feel less alone in the struggle and I guess I hope someone, anyone reading this might also find it a place they can go to to not feel like they're battling by themselves because ED thrives on that, solitude and loneliness.
In my first action towards recovery, I am no longer putting myself under the label or category of "vegan" because I realized that I was merely using it as an excuse to not eat out with others because of the scarcity of vegan-friendly restaurants in my area and in Canada in general. I am now back to lacto-ovo vegetarian and it's been difficult but I've cried my face off about it and I've thought it over and I know this was the right thing to do, plus I've got plenty of support from friends and my sister (my parents are another story since they never really understood my veganism in the first place...) so I'm in a good mindset.
One thing I noticed about many ED recovery blogs is there are often many pictures of meals and stuff like that. I'm hoping to post some of my meals as well as recipes just as a way to make food fun again and to really appreciate the nutrients its giving me therefore, hopefully, shifting the focus away from weight and having to gain and more to the fact that I'm getting my life back together. Because who doesn't enjoy food... I mean honestly?
Now if only my digestive system wasn't so retarded... but I guess I'll take things slowly. I've already increased from the pathetic amount I was on since my ... fourth(?) relapse so I'm feeling pretty good about myself for that. Here's hoping this continues and I'll be up to the amount I need to gain by the end of this weekend...
Yeah I'm feeling pretty good at the moment :B
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